The process of my life journey…

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I am travelling in 2013 because I was bound and determined to leave Phoenix, AZ this year.

I had this bug in my system ever since late 2008 or early 2009. The question then was: WHERE TO? In 2010 after featuring in Albuquerque, I decided that I was in love and that would be my new home in 2012 or 2013. Then in 2011 the desire to leave the USA entirely got into me. I had friends who taught English abroad and thought about getting certified to do that. Then I heard about WWOOFing – volunteering on an organic farm and that seemed like a great idea too! So then it was just a matter of deciding which track and where.

Then in August of 2012 my friend Dovid invited me to go with him on his adventure to circumnavigate the globe! I threw myself into that idea full keel and immediately made a facebook page for the trip which has been dubbed The Emuna Endeavor after the name of the boat (Emuna which means faith in Hebrew) and part of the name suggested by my friend Cisco (who is the first recipient of the beach pack prize). So no less than half of my time has been spent looking things up and building the foundation by which we can share our journey as well as gain funding for the trip as well.

Since the actual shove off date for The Emuna Endeavor isn’t until July 2013, there are other parts to my personal journey outside of the Emuna. First, I will be spending some time with my mother in Puerto Peñasco, Mexico (more commonly known here as Rocky Point). Then back to Phoenix to visit during the 25th annual Art Detour weekend. If possible I want to visit my beloved Albuquerque before heading to Astoria, Oregon to begin my sailing lessons.

So… now to figure out how to fund my personal journey before the grand adventure! So far I am selling my art pretty regularly so I have half of the money to get to Mexico. Once I  complete a commissioned art piece for $200, I will have the money to get to Albuquerque. Then I will need $500 to get to Oregon from New Mexico. Plus all the small incidental things like my phone bill and whatnot.

It’s all a wonderful day to day trip with so many small parts and steps. Each step teaches me something new about life, people, and myself. I am loving it so far and am looking forward to all the next parts!

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Finding the Erasure of My Silence

“By speaking my story I am adding to the erasure of that silence”
~ Jasmine Schlafke on the systematic silencing of marginalized groups

I am a woman, and Black, and diagnosed with clinical depression… and yet… I don’t feel like I have a story. I was a childhood witness to addiction and physical abuse and yet I don’t feel like that witness is enough. I survived date rape but feel like it is not something anyone would want to hear about.

I wonder sometimes how to get past all these blocks in my speech. I don’t know most days how to tell my story or if I try, it comes out so distant from myself that I feel like it is ineffective. I flip flop between wanting to just get it out and into the air, and wanting it to actually be a meaningful help to someone who has also been silent.

Perhaps the inability to tell my past is why I focus on writing my now and my future. Why I create adventure after adventure. I am fire barely controlled. I am a circus act of moderate proportions. I dance to release and sometimes control my feelings. I am a poet and painter and picture taker. I have become a Jill of all trades and a master of none. I become a slave to my own sense of being interesting to the world.

As I write this I am realizing how much I have to tell. I am nearly native to Arizona which is a state nationally notorious for it’s super right winged closed mindedness. How did I grow to be a hetero-flexible person in spite of my self chosen Christianity in a place where the conservative hierarchy makes the rules?

Maybe there is too much to tell. Will I even be able to think about all the things I could tell from before as I am preparing for the future? Once I am on my amazing journey, will I have space in my brain for organizing my many tales into something worth sharing? I honestly don’t know. I just know I have to acknowledge that I actually DO have something to say.

All I really know at this point is that I have to remember who I am at my core. I have to thank every immortal cell in my body and thank all the energy in the universe for all that I  had, all I have, and all I will have. For now, that is what I do to survive this magical carpet ride of life.